April 24, 2007

No Fusion...Only Confusion!!!!

Well, I am very appalled by people who very confidently come and tell me - “There are no two ways about it”. And with a dazed look all I can think of is How Come??? Why Not??? Is it just me??? Can I think beyond the ordinary and see the two ways people cant?Before you read on – I’m not writing cause I’ve gone through tremors or am sulking. If I think about it, I don’t have a reason to write per se…

Moving on…I’m a very ordinary girl, have had a very normal childhood, spoilt kid at home, spoilt by friends…a total brat (Yes!! I am quite happy about being one). My confusions don’t stem from the incidents or accidents in life, they are there cause I am there. Over the years, I have developed this extremely abnormal urge of doing everything I can, an abnormal urge of being the best. You’d probably be thinking, “Dude, What’s abnormal? Half of the world claims and dies to be close to a perfectionist”. You’d probably understand in a whil.

I am very intimidated by people who do better than me. The people will include my closest friends, my family, my siblings, and acquaintances. I don’t mean bad for them, but I always strive to reach where, people I know are. At every step I compare myself with them, evaluate my achievements (Joy! Am I glad that there’s no formula to calculate it), keep questioning if what I am doing is eventually going to take me where he is…is there something better that can be there. Precisely dig the out the two ways.

In the whole process, I overlook the difference in circumstances. I know the differences exist but am not ready to acknowledge. All I can think about then is “How come they're better than me?” And am ready to leave everything, just to be there. I contemplate every step I take, and I contemplate the whole while, even after the decision-making is done. You can call it stupidity…you can call it foolishness.

The two-sided thinking doesn’t end here. Today I’m in love with an absolutely fantastic guy. But there’s a fear to commit to him…You probably can guess why…Funny eh!!!It’s some pondering which happens every day and that’s where all the confusion starts and there has been no end to it...BELIEVE ME, NO END!!!!!!It was only the other day that I was trying to reason out this attitude with myself. And I probably got close to the answer.Till some years back I had different beliefs and ideologies. Just lived my life, put in the best at what I had. I could never understand the need to manipulate.

But this change really occurred once I entered my under graduate school. I largely associated with a lot who had dreams, who had ambitions…were ready to manipulate things as much as they could…wouldn’t think twice if they had to run down someone, just to get things going. Their personalities struck me at once - And before I knew we were all FRIENDS. I could see the change in me. I was no longer that girl who wanted to live her own dreams by putting in the best. I wanted to be like all of them – manipulative, secretive … you know the likes.I forgot no matter what happens PEOPLE DON’T CHANGE, THEY NEVER HAVE AND THEY NEVER WILL. So how could I…I despised them, but had to be with them, when required. We partied, went out, had all the fun…but could never be F.R.I.E.N.D.S.(Remember the song “I’ll be there for you, cause you’re there for me too”).

By the time I was a Graduate, I could see through them. They were so loosely transparent.In a way I am glad I met them. I have grown and have become stronger.I crave to be like them, to survive today, to grow in the so-called “BIG MEAN CORPORATE” world…but I know I can never be. Not because they are extra ordinary, but because that girl who lived for herself is still alive. It doesn’t sound that abnormal now…does it????

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Well, High living simple thinking...haha!

Awesome Narration Girl :-)

and yes, you are tour de force in Titles..." Be Positive Desi" and Now "No Fusion...Only Confusion"

Anonymous said...

Niiiiceee....Hmmmm I am impressed...every word is so true....!!!!! Good Going Baggii....

Ankur Arora said...

well true to the title, da content has "no fusion...only confusion"! :)
i have always believed that one should never change his/her real self, n have tried to stick on to this belief, more often than not.
gud to see that u somewhat second that in this post.
as for the confusion, i dnt think i've met many ppl who r nt, the degree varying though!
so ur pretty normal...did i say pretty n normal?;-)
welcome to blogger magu!

Manasi said...

phewww!!! Baggi you need to shop!!!

Unknown said...

I thought life was very simpe but after reading this, im totally perplexed and my hair raised :)

The title given by this lady is totally apt "Only Confusion"....

Megha, u need to take a break for a week...i wl recommend for sanctioning leave